she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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