woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
