fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
