God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
