I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
