unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
