I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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