His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
