she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
