Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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