Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
