She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
