You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
