Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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