oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
