He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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