i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
