i permit you to call me
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
