literally had 100 drinks last night.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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