remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
