I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
