I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
foreskin is a definite game changer
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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