I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
