How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
