bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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