You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
