just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
