he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
