We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
