Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
barbara walters just said penis...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
