so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
