i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
