I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
