Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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