I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
