he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
