he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
And then he peed in my hair
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
