I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
