Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
