To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
