U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
