I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Vodka?
Forever.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
