So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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