Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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