Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
