then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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