then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
