never play flip cup with pint glasses
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
