my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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