CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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