i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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