i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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